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1. |
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Welcome to the show
I sure am glad you’re here
Sit back, relax, and let go of all your fears
Like did you remember to pay that bill, did you remember to lock your car?
And if it’s stolen, have they driven very far?
And whatever you do, don’t think about your ex
Are they happier without you, are they having better sex?
And when they think about you do they cry, laugh, or curse?
And which one of those three would be the worst?
Cause now is not the time get all bogged down with life
Just let your anxieties go and have a good time
So don’t think about all of the people that you’ve hurt
And don’t think about the next time you’ve gotta go to work
Welcome to the show
I sure am glad you came
Just enjoy yourself, don’t feel no shame
About the underprivileged, the starving, the oppressed
Just have an awesome night on their behalf
Don’t think about the melting polar ice caps
Don’t think about the oceans full of trash
Don’t think about how any children you may have will be left here to clean up your mess
Or perish in a sad, futile attempt
The world is going to need so much saving
And no one single person’s qualified
So if you cannot save the world all by yourself
Then why bother helping those who try?
Welcome to the show
Welcome to the show
Volunteering is a drag, activism is a slog
So just sit back, relax, and sing along
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2. |
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It’s been fifteen seconds since I sent you my message
and I’m wondering if you have seen it yet
If your phone was in your pocket and it wasn’t set on silent
There’s no reason it wouldn’t be in your hand
So if you’ve seen what I sent you and you still have all your fingers
And you still have the ability to read
Then it only makes sense that a reply would be delivered
Unless it has something to do with me….
Oh baby why haven’t you responded to my text?
It doesn’t take a lot to hit reply
Oh baby why I can’t help but feel so stressed?
My silent phone it makes me wanna cry
It’s been another minute and now I am beginning to
Think that you may never text me back
And I’ve felt my heart break before but I wasn’t prepared for your
Merciless and personal attack
And I don’t know why you want me to die
A perilous demise of suffering
Cause that’s the only possible reason why
You’d do something like this to me
Oh baby why haven’t you responded to my text
I’m thinking back: Did I do something wrong?
Oh baby I’m turning into a mess
Two minutes has never felt so long
I give up, now I see
You’ve left me with no choice, that much is clear
And it may seem extreme
But I know just where I have to go from here
Off the grid, make a new life
Cause the one that I’ve got now isn’t for me
I’ll be a man, one with the wild
Not tied down by a world of technology
I’m gonna find a spot deep in the woods
Far away from you and everyone
I’m gonna build my house with twigs and leaves
And who says hunting rabbits cant be fun?
And I can’t make fire but I’ve got time to learn
I’ve got my whole life ahead of me
So here I go into the
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3. |
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My heart was broken today
It was worse than I can say
But I’ll do it anyway
To show how much it hurts to be me
I fell to the ground
As she tore my heart out
And threw it on the ground
Now me and my heart are both on the ground
And I’m in pain but I won’t beg for your pity
Cause I shouldn’t have to ask
Feel sorry for me, it’s the least you could do
Cause lord knows I’d do the same for you
And if your heart’s in a million pieces well then mine’s in a million and one
Feel sorry for me, it’s the right thing to do
oo oo oo oo
I can’t bear to speak
And it hurts too much to think
So let me tell you again
Just what she did to me
My heart is an empty vessel now
And it’s filled with hate and lies and theft and war and pain and greed and dirt
Feel sorry for me, it’s the least you could do
Cause lord knows I’d do the same for you
And if you cry yourself to sleep well then I don’t sleep at all
Feel sorry for me, it’s the right thing to do
oo oo oo oo
Heartbreak sucks and I feel bad
So can I lean on your shoulder and cry?
Heartbreak sucks and I forgot my wallet
So can you cover lunch today?
I promise I'll pay you back when I stop feeling so bad
Feel sorry for me and buy me things
La la la la la
Feel sorry for me
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4. |
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I’m just another white guy
Playing an acoustic guitar
With everyone out there just like me
How can I set myself apart?
Well if you can’t tell by now I don’t have much of a voice
And these three chords are all that I know
So if I want to stand out from the crowd
There’s only one way to go
I’ve got a foot tambourine how bout you?
I’ve got a foot tambourine yes it’s true
Please hide your jealousy the best that you can
I know you wish that you were me but that’s just too bad
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
I slip it over my shoe and I tap my feet
Now my song has dimension and I stay on beat
I’ve just changed the game
I’m like a one-man band but not lame
Don’t you wish that you’d thought of this first?
Now I look like a genius and you look like the worst
And you could always buy your own
For ten dollars on Amazone
But then everybody’s going to know
You’re just not original
Like me
Dee dee dee dee dee dee
Now that I’ve brought attention to this fact
I’ve got dibs forever and there’s no going back
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5. |
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I got it all tonight
I don’t know what else I could ask for
And everything feels so right
Until the moment you walk out the door
Cause you turned and smiled and waved but you didn’t kiss me goodbye
And now I’m chewing my nails off just wondering why
I’ve got a lot to say
But I think I’ll keep it all inside
Cause even when things go my way
When I let my mouth run it’s just a matter of time
Cause you really seem to like me but I know it won’t be long
Until I turn around one day and realize that you’re gone
Whoa, I’ve got so many problems that I just don’t know what to do
There’s just no winning when it’s me vs. me and you
I know you want to stay
Or at least I know that’s what you say
Cause that might be the case today
But I notice every time you look another way
You can tell me all you want that there’s nothing to worry about
And I understand the words but I can’t figure them out
And it’s a self fulfilling prophecy
That I just can’t refuse
And at least I won’t worry
When there’s nothing left to lose
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6. |
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Every day I’m giving up eight hours of my time
Working for the money that I need to stay alive
I could try to change it why I don’t I don’t know why
Giving up on life has become my favorite pastime
The moment it hits five well you know I’m going home
Throwing open my front door exhausted and alone
I’m gonna lay in bed all night and stare at my phone
Until the hours tick on by and I pass out in my clothes
And every day on earth well I know just how they’ll go
And ever since my birth well I just don’t wanna grow
And I know what I’m worth if you can go below zero
I’m killing time, I’m killing time
Till time kills me
As the weeks go by I lose all my sense of time
And I don’t want to realize that there’s more to my life
I live on autopilot building up vacation time
Counting off the Fridays till I wither away and die
And when I don’t exist you won’t remember my face
And when I don’t exist well I won’t leave a trace
And when I don’t exist at least there’ll be a little more space
I’m killing time, I’m killing time
Till time kills me
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7. |
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You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen
And I don’t know what’s happened to me
But I think I finally know what love is
You check off my every box
And I didn’t think you had a flaw
Until I was subjected to your sneezes
Your eyes are like a pair of gems
But when I hear you hock that phlegm
Well I wish that I couldn’t hear at all
You’re caring, kind, and you listen to me
And I think we could be so happy
And you’ll only occasionally make my skin crawl
I love you but I hate the way you sneeze
Please don’t take it personally
We can’t all be perfect now, can we
I love you but I hate the way you sneeze
And the little things don’t matter to me
If only your sneezes were little things
They say if there’s a lonely tree
And no one’s around to hear the fall
Well does it really happen? No it don’t
But the thing about your sneezes
Is they’re all etched in the course of history
Cause everyone in a ten-mile radius knows
No one understands apocalypse
Until they’ve heard the war with your nose and lips
And I’m sticking with you despite all of this
You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me
I don’t know what I did to be so lucky
But I’d be a little luckier if you never ever sneezed
I love you but I hate the way you sneeze
It’s a minor flaw failed majorly
It’s the worst thing about the best thing about me
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8. |
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We thought that we were all alone
We sent out a call and nobody answered the phone
We thought that we were doomed to kill ourselves
We didn't know that it would be by anyone else
But here they come, one by one
In their giant ships blocking out the sun
We raised a flag, now it's in flames
They don't have time for our stupid games
Get your gun and get your rope
Grab your hon cause they're taking the globe
Screw the peace and run away
Because they're not showing any mercy
I haven't gotten a good look at one
But I've seen the destruction that they've caused
And there's no time to check on my family and friends
A moment's hesitation and I'll join them in the end
And no one is safe tonight
Because they're burning everything in sight
And this ain't our home anymore
Because we know who's gonna win the war
The human race is coming to an end
Even if we survive, we won't be living
Cause this planet's overrun
By the unknown, by the alien
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9. |
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Life can be a little rough when it’s just the two of us
But it’s nice to know when you’re loved
Even when you go through nasty stuff
And even if things don’t go perfectly
I know you’ll always be there for me
And when I fall, and when I stumble
You’ll be there to laugh in my face
And when I cry, and when I crumble
You’ll be there to tell me I’m a disgrace
And I still think of you, and you think of me too
As you tell me about all your time I waste
And I wonder if I am staying on your mind
Those nights on the couch by the fireplace
I know we tend to fight
That’s how normal healthy couples grow
And cause we do it every night
We’re the normalest, healthiest couple I know
And even if things don’t go like we planned
I know you’ll be there to take my hand
…You’ll be there to tell me I need a new place
…As you pack all my things in a suitcase
…Even after I have been replaced
You’ll be there laughing at me
When I’m all alone living on the streets
And you’ll be there written in the stars
While I’m looking through the sun roof and sleeping in my car
And you’ll be there in my contact list
Next to all my friends who can’t take me in
And you’ll be there on the smell of my clothes
While I’m creeping through the door of a home that’s been foreclosed
And you’ll be there in my mind
When I find out too late that the home is occupied
And you’ll be there in my memories
When there’s a pistol in my face and I’m yelled at to freeze
And even though we may not have it all
I know you’ll be there when I call
From my cell in the county jail
God, I love the sound of your voicemail
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10. |
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You say that bad luck follows you
Everywhere you go
And you ask me what can you do?
But do you really wanna know
You say you’ve had a rough past
But who made it that way?
And if you really have to ask
Well I’m really gonna say
Baby, it’s all your fault
You’ve got no one else to blame
It’s a problem only you can solve
Just try not to be that way
I don’t really wanna waste your time
Just be a better person and you’ll be fine
I’m just gonna cut right to the chase
Just try not to suck and you’d be amazed
Just be a better person it’s not that hard
You wanna know why everything starts well
Only to fall apart
You wanna know why everyone you love
Always ends up hurt
Well hurt is not a feeling, it’s an action
And it’s one you do so well
I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction
Of saying you’re under some sort of spell
Cause no matter what you wanna think
You’re the source of this
You control everything
And you choose to be a dick
I don’t wanna keep you all that long
So understand that all you do is wrong
You say “nothing that I do is my fault
if I’m a bad person by design”
But every single day you make a new choice
To be the shittiest person alive
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11. |
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Welcome to my worst fear
Something came that I didn’t know was near
One day you are here
The next I look up and you’ve disappeared
I thought my future was set but I was wrong
I’ve got no direction now that you’re gone
Looking far and wide
Trying to picture anybody else by my side
But no matter how I try
All I want to do is turn back time
I don't know how to sleep without my arms wrapped around you
I don’t know how to cry without your shoulder to lean into
Spending days at home
The silence beats in my ears like a drum
And I thought you were the one
Not just something else to learn from
And though it might seem easier to fall for someone else
I can’t grow up until I’m okay by myself
And when you left you took a part of me
But I can’t fill that with anyone but me
Oh I can’t fill that with anyone but me
And I don’t care what I said
And I don’t care what you heard
Alone isn’t a dirty word
And you were all I know
So how could I let you go
But I have gotta grow
Even if it happens slow
And I am gonna try
To see more in my life
And you were all I know
So that’s why I am letting go
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Alternative and pop punk combine in the solo artist's most comedic, satirical album to date.
released January 22, 2019
All songs written by Gus Rachels
All instruments and vocals played or produced by Gus Rachels
